Notes on Loving Someone Who is in Love With Somebody Else

No matter how hard you try, this person will never love you. It’s not that they don’t want to, it’s because they can’t. While it’s possible to love two people at once, someone always comes out on top, and sweetie, it isn’t you.

Sometimes people are emotionally unavailable, and they just keep other people around to fill their lonely void until the person they truly want reciprocates their love. There is no amount of text messages, phone calls, late night talk sessions that can change this. You cannot and will not make this person love you.

But you’re still going to try.

You’re still going to log onto Facebook chat at 3 am just to talk to them even though your body is craving sleep. You’re still going to bring them their coffee favourites because maybe this coffee will make them realize that you’re meant to be together. You’re still going to blow off hanging out with your other friends because you not only want to hang out with this other person, but you need to. Lastly, even when they finally tell you that they don’t love you, you’re still going to love them.

Even though everyone around you tells you that this person is wrong for you, you will smile and nod, because you’re off in your own thoughts trying to scheme ways to make this person fall deeply in love with you.

When you receive a text from this person your smile will feel as if it’s cutting into your cheeks, the folds of your smile burning from the joy this person makes you feel. Anytime you hear their name your heart picks up, ecstatic at the mere mention of this persons existence. You will not realize that other people are trying to hit on you/and or are interested in you because this person consumes your love.

But they don’t deserve it.

All of the coffee, and Iming, and late night talks cannot make someone love you. It will not transform this person’s feelings for somebody else to you. They will still constantly talk about the other person, how they bring them coffee, talk to them late at night, and you will eventually realize that they are performing the same act you are—but just not for you.

Your smile will continue to burn, but not for your love of this person, but from the fake smile you now put on for this individual. Slowly, you will acknowledge your performance, and how you have been spending all your time just trying—trying—and hoping that they will love you.

It’s okay to be in love with somebody who doesn’t love you. When you finally realize that they don’t love you, it’s time to pack up your love and move on.

(Photo from Tumblr)

5 Ways of Achieving Glen Coco Status Levels of Cool

(Photo from Tumblr)

I would like to make a very general statement and believe that Glen Coco is secretly everyone’s alter ego. He gets a lot of candy canes in the movie Mean Girls, and the phrase ‘YOU GO GLEN COCO’ shouted out by Damian signals that the name Glen Coco must be correlated with anything awesome.

Thus, Glen Coco is everything amazing, and you cannot seriously tell yourself that you do not want to be associated with that?

Since 2004 I have been trying to figure out how to Glen Coco myself within my social circle. Here are the 5 ways I have figured out how to do so:

1. Literally Be Positive.
I use the word ‘literally’ because you have to mean it. Everyone likes the positive friend who does not bring negativity to the group. How can you not envy the person that does not bad mouth anyone, and always has the greatest advice, and is ready to talk whenever it is convenient for you? You cannot hate this person, and if you do, then sorry hun, but you’re probably the mean gossip friend who needs to get an attitude change.

2. Stop Being So Stingy.
Sometimes it’s nice of you to buy things for your friends. Get that pitcher or nachos on you. Stop trying to weasel your way out of spending money on your friends. If you are going out already and your friend asks you to get them some avocados, just do it. They will (hopefully) pay you back later. This rule really only applies to people with trustworthy friends who will actually pay them back. Otherwise, carry on.

3. Being Funny is a Huge Bonus.
Everyone likes that friend who can make them laugh. In an awkward situation all can appreciate a friend who is able to lighten the situation with some humour. Alternatively if you are like me and cannot possibly manage to be funny, making fun of yourself also works. You do not have to completely embarrass yourself, but poking fun at something you did earlier in the week/no one will ever let go of can also help.

4. Mixing Drinks=Best Friends
If you are able to mix drinks extremely well you should never worry about your place within a group. You are so critical to the group that they can never let you go. The ability to mix drinks (well) is a difficult one and once a group of friends finds out one of their friends excels in this field you are pretty much golden. Every Friday and Saturday you are the popular kid, and everyone wants a piece of you. Again, if you cannot even manage to mix a drink like myself—finding someone who can may potentially elevate you to Glen Coco status.

5. Being Able to be Flexible
Realizing that plans change and that not everything will always work out is vital within a friend group. If you cannot get mad at your friends for changing/cancelling plans and can easily ‘go with the flow’ you’re fine. Every friend group needs an individual who can adapt to whatever plans are being changed without complaining. If you are someone who constantly complains about plans being altered you may want to change this immediately. Complaining will not get you to Glen Coco levels of cool.

Being yourself is also a great alternative to any of these things. I’m sure your friends like you for who you are. But, c’mon, who doesn’t want to be Glen Coco…even for a night?

How to Get Over Someone

It starts with finally admitting to yourself that you love this person. You’re in love with them. You love the way they say good morning, the way they creep out of your bed as to not wake you up, the way they smile to you even around their friends, and almost everything about them. You have never met anybody more perfect before, but you swear this person is as close to perfection as you have ever known. This person is the kindest, gentlest, most caring individual you have ever met. There is something so unique and special about them that you do not want to lose.

You’re going to beg for them back at first, and it is going to be awful. You are going to tell them all these things mentioned above, and how you cannot be without them.  You will say how it is selfish for them to be without you, and they will never find someone better than you. This begging may lead to crying, which may lead to that ugly belly crying where you are unable to control the sounds coming out of your body any longer. It is okay. We’ve all been there. As they tell you that they are sorry, they still love you, but they are not in love with you, you may feel as if your body is collapsing. The air inside your lungs is running out, and you cannot stand any longer. You may want to curl up in a ball and hold yourself. Keep ugly belly crying, because once that stage is over you may even find yourself laughing. The body deals with breakups in such a messed up, weird way.

So they are not in love with you anymore. That’s okay. They are allowed to feel this way. Even someone who you once thought of as your soul mate is allowed to fall out of love with you. Try not to hold this against them, or against the good memories you two shared. The truth is, you may not be fully in love with them, but you are too scared to be alone. It is easier to half love someone than be completely and utterly alone, right? What did you do before this person? How did you possibly manage to be single? You may also try to beg again for this person. It will be embarrassing, and you may cringe later when you remember doing so.

How do you possibly be single? What does that even mean? What are you saying…I can’t call my ex to have them make me breakfast, or take care of me when I’m sick? I have to carry my groceries all on my own? Yeah, and more. This acknowledgement, and I mean full acknowledgment that you are single can lead to more crying. The ugly belly crying phase may have passed (it may have not), but you may still find yourself tearing up at the thought of doing things you once did together alone. You will have to learn to love yourself. This will be painful and feel impossible. If this perfect human you love cannot love you back, what is your worth? But your worth is a lot. Your worth (as much as it does not seem like it) is not defined by this person. You are your own person; you just do not truly know it yet.

Learning to love yourself will feel like hiking after not exercising for a few years. Every part of your body will reject this self-love. Your worth has been built around another person, and since you are not completely willing to let that person go, you are not fully ready to see your self-worth. But you are beautiful, creative, and intelligent. This person did not create these factors inside you, they in fact existed before you met this other person. You are an incredible human, and perhaps that is why they fell in love with you. They may have pointed out that all these beautiful qualities you possess exist inside you, but believe that they were already there before you met your partner. Go back to the things you love, and rediscover your passions, because you were a person before you met this other individual.

Rediscovering yourself will be terrifying. What did you do before this person? You have spent your time working with this individual, listening to music and watching movies with this person. What do you even like? Remember that contest you won for writing, or that award you got for some science invention that is above everyone’s head? Maybe you have never received an award, but remember how painting or running or whatever it is made you feel? For those few moments you were isolated and alone, but remember how connected to your body and to your self you were? Go back to those places. It will take time and a lot of tries to reconnect with yourself, but eventually you will.

Being alone is a-okay. Read that line again. Being alone is absolutely okay. You are reeling from a loss, and a big one at that. Being alone is not easy, and you may even still feel pains of sadness for the first while when you try to be alone. Remember that still getting upset over this person is fine, we have all been there. Even when you are alone without this person, remember there are millions of other people feeling the exact same way you are. You are not the first person to ever go through a breakup, there are people to talk to, and people who want to listen.

You will talk about your ex a lot for a while. It is okay. Your friends will get sick of you, and some may even tell you to shut up. Remember that they too have their own problems and stress that they are dealing with. Write down your feelings, but do not send them to your old partner. You are still grieving, and still working out your feelings is okay. You will not call them, you will not contact them, you will read over all these steps again and remember how embarrassed you felt the last time you two spoke.

You will delete their phone number, all social media accounts, and slowly parts of your time together from your memory. Without their phone number you will not drunk dial them, which will happen for a while, and it will be awkward and terrible, but it is a phase that everyone deals with. Delete their number earlier if you keep drunk dialing them. You do not need to see what they are doing on Twitter or Facebook. It will make you sad and make you want to contact them. Do not contact them. As hard as it may be to believe that you will meet somebody new, this person will fill your brain with new memories that will replace the old ones of you and your old partner. You will also fill your brain with solo memories that you will create without your ex. You will be okay. You will be okay. You. Will. Be. Okay.

(* Photo taken from tumblr) 

Fifty-Six Things I Learned While Studying Abroad

* My friend Allysa and I in York, England. We’re really enjoying the view.

1) Be prepared to drink. A lot. If you do not drink, be prepared to pull multiple all nighters with your friends who may drink a lot.
2) Also, be ready to gain anywhere between 1-25 pounds. You will justify to yourself that eating pasties is a cultural experience, and you need to eat as many as you can, while you can.
3) Treat everything as a new opportunity. You are only in that country for so long, so do as many things outside your comfort zone as you can.
4) When you do not understand the accent, smile and nod. Add an occasional ‘yes’ for effect.
5) SHOP. GET ALL THE THINGS.
6) Enjoy the land. Unplug from your Ipod, turn your phone off, and seriously enjoy the atmosphere. You may not get to visit that hole in the wall pub in Glasgow ever again.
7) Getting lost is okay. Literally, you will be lost pretty much all the time. Get used to it. Bring/get maps.
8) Learning how to read a map will be an asset.
9) But yet again, getting lost sometimes can be fun.
10) Do not try to structure every second of your travel. Things may not work out, so go with it.
11) Speak with strangers in hostels. They can share some pretty amazing stories.
12) Stay in hostels!! Hotels are so bourgeois anyways.
13) Try to find as many free things to do. For example: Museums in London are free.
14) Museums are boss.
15) Sometimes, not going to capital cities across Europe can be a good thing.
16) Experience other places that may be off the grid, or not on the forefront of your mind.
17) With saying that, seeing the Eiffel Tower at night is pretty breathtaking.
18) Be good at drinking beer.
19) And good at drinking hard liquor.
20) Seriously, be good at drinking. Or get good.
21) Do not accept car rides from strangers.
22) Do not attempt cartwheels while in a skirt.
23) Telling people their bus system is ineffective is rude, and you deserve to be kicked off the bus.
24) If ever in doubt, play the foreign card.
25) Or play the foreign card if you are genuinely lost/confused.
26) Stay up late.
27) Meet as many people as you can.
28) Your schoolwork will still be there in the morning, or after a trip to Italy.
29) Go to Munich and Berlin. Seriously, go see all of Germany.
30) Pictures can last a lifetime, and yeah, look pretty good on Facebook, but it’s the memories that you’ll treasure the most.
31) It’s okay to be cliché, you’re abroad.
32) Except when using French clichés…don’t use those in France.
33) If you are going to use Ryanair PACK LIGHTLY. You have to put your purse in your one carryon as well.
34) Also, Ryanair aircraft will scare the crap out of you. You may even wonder how it’s a real airline.
35) Jet2.com is a legitimate airline. I have used it.
36) Ryanair keeps the lights on when travelling overnight. So if you’re going for St. Pats in Ireland, STAY THE NIGHT. Do not travel home the next day. International walk of shames are not as cool as they sound.
37) Go to Dublin for St. Patrick’s Day.
38) If you go to Ibiza, GO to the famous clubs. Do not get conned into going to a bar called ‘Granny’s. Hilarious now, but instant regret at the time.
39) The people who work for that Thomas Cook Ibiza tour company are not THAT cute. Do not let accents cloud your judgment.
40) No seriously. While the people have accents, they are not immune from being bad humans.
41) Falling in love can be painful when leaving, unless you are willing to make it work.
42) Write. A lot. Sit down on a bench somewhere and just write. You’re abroad.
43) If in England, eat Dominos pizza with BBQ sauce. Your life will be changed.
44) Also if in England, make a Northerner and a Southerner talk after each other. Their accents are so different, but so precious.
45) Keep in touch with those you met. Make plans to visit and keep them.
46) The hostel ‘Yellow’ in Rome is literally the greatest place on earth. You’re welcome. * If your experience is terrible, please do not blame me.
47) Laugh. Do this often. Do this even when you’re sad.
48) But it’s okay to be sad too. We all miss home.
49) It’s normal for you to come home drunk and almost book a flight home on Air Transat. The key is to NOT actually book the flight.
50) Crying because you cannot find your coat check ticket is not a thing. Don’t do it.
51) You should make a ‘Reasons why this House is Single list.’ It may provide some insight.
52) Coming home drunk and ruining your kitchen should not happen. Especially not over ten times. Sam, I’m writing this about you.
53) Also, avoid flooding your kitchen with Vimto, or any other soft drink (Sam).
54) DO NOT PUT STICKY TAC ON YOUR RESIDENCE ROOM WALLS. It takes the paint off, and you do not want to pay for that later.
55) If you can, live on residence. Remember your first year? Expect a repeat, but with better accents.
56) Overall, enjoy your time. You’ll miss it everyday.

 

Do Not Call Me a “Real Woman”

This is a term that I have been struggling with for a while now. Why do we allow people to call us, or anyone else a “Real Woman?”

First off, what does that even mean? There is no single definition of a woman, nor should there be. Any definition that you think may exist is only your definition—therefore, not representative of all people’s ideas surrounding the term. Secondly, as a human being I am tangible, so thus, aren’t I real? Women are complex, so are men, and so are those who may not identify by any single gender. Why is having a definition of a ‘woman’ so important to us as a culture anyways?

I know why, or here is my guess: It’s so we can control people. Scary, right? I believe the idea of a “Real Woman” exists so corporations and others can police women’s bodies and behaviour. (While this also does exist for men and those who do not identify, I will specifically be focusing on my view of a woman’s experience). As a woman, I am sold media versions of what I should look like, and in society I am sold ideals that I need to achieve.

In the media:

• I need to be thin. I need to be a size 0 or 00. You literally need to see my entire rib cage and hip bones for me to be considered a “Real Woman.”
• Or, I need to be curvaceous. If not, I need to get surgery to ensure that I am curvaceous, or I will never find a husband. (How heteronormative might I suggest).
• I need to be a healthy weight (whatever this means—its never actually defined), and love myself for who I am.

All of these models contradict one another. So if I’m thin, but not curvaceous am I undesirable? If I’m curvaceous and not thin, am I fat? If I’m a ‘healthy weight’ and like myself, am I still unattractive because I am not thin or curvy? There is no solid answer, but again, nor should there be.

In society I am subjected to comments about my body by complete strangers. When I’m at the gym, comments on my physique are made. When I’m on the streets, cat calls towards my body are made. Even when I’m in a University class, random comments on my appearance by my male peers still occurs.

My body as being seen as “female” is constantly policed by those around me. While I do believe that some individuals make these comments not maliciously, but because they genuinely believe they are being a “nice guy,” I still disagree that these comments are necessary. I do not need to hear your single-minded, one person definition of what a desirable female body is. Do not comment about my body to me stranger, friend, acquaintance, or anybody. My body is my business, and I do not give you permission to make it yours.

The fact that in 2013 I still have to write a sentence taking away permission from individuals to make open remarks about my body saddens me.

A main reason why women still potentially struggle with their body image is because the definition of “Real” is consistently changing. I’m not entirely sure who makes these arbitrary decisions, but I really wish they would stop. All bodies are beautiful bodies, no ands, ifs, or buts. All women are real women. We must remember this.

We are all creatures on planet Earth, and whoever/whatever you believe created humans, it’s electrifying that we even exist. Being a human is incredible in itself, so why must I be policed for it?

The term “Real Woman” does not encompass the lived experiences of most individuals. Also, just because I am born with certain body parts that align with society’s view of a woman, does not inherently make me a woman.

You know what does? Feeling in my heart and bones that I am a woman. I know I am a woman. I am in solidarity with those who also know in their heart that they are too are women, regardless of whatever body parts they are born with.

By using the term “Real Woman” we are dividing our sisters away from us instead of bringing us together. We are saying that one type of woman is better than other types. Instead, I propose that we reject ideals of womanhood brought forward to us by media, or other individuals. I say that if you know in your heart, or even feel in your heart that you are a woman, that we as women, and as a society should accept this.

ALL bodies are beautiful. We are all uniquely made. This fact alone should be celebrated and be made awe of.

So next time someone tells you what a “Real” woman looks like, I would just tell them that all women are “Real women,” and they clearly don’t know anything about you.

An Insightful Guide On Turning the Wrong Person into the Right Person

Are you dating/wanting to/desperately pining after someone? Is this person…a little off? By this, I mean are they someone you would:

A) Not normally date
B) Someone you would normally not agree with
or C) Someone who is the complete opposite of you in just about…everything?

Congrats. You are probably turning the wrong person for you into the right person for you, or at least…you’re trying to.

Dating is terrible. It is. Anyone who says differently I demand an explanation on how it’s not awful. It’s uncomfortable, normally weird, and usually ends horribly. Sometimes you get free meals, sometimes the other person does, but mostly you end up losing 2-5 hours of your life that can never be regained.

Here are the four steps to my insightful guide:

Step One – Are you…
Completely disagreeing with their word choices, music, and movie preferences, but agreeing with it because you’re lonely?

This is a fun step. You pretty much ignore all your gut feelings that this person is not for you and proceed anyways. Does this person love everything you hate most in this world? YES. Do you care? Absolutely! Are you going to verbalize it? NO WAY!! Instead, you continue dating this person and hope that if you play Ben Howard enough times around them that they will magically alter their tastes, and start to love Ben Howard.

* Spoiler Alert: They probably won’t start to like Ben Howard, and you’ll be stuck listening to their music. But seriously, why wouldn’t they love Ben Howard?

Step Two — Are you…
Taking all of their insults about your body weight, appearance, and/or life lessons and just letting it slide.

No. Stop it. This person is a jerk. They are clearly insecure about themselves and are projecting their insecurities onto you. If your partner ever insults the way you look you do not deserve that. This person will not change, no matter how many times you let them insult you. It only bruises your confidence and diminishes your ego. You do not deserve someone who does not want to tell you how awesome you are. 

Step Three — Are you…
Ignoring all of your friends/families/strangers warnings that this person is not a great human being.

I add strangers because this one time I had friends of the guy I was dating even tell me that this person was not an overall wonderful human being. Did I listen? No. Should I have? Probably not, this guy was a total stranger. But he was saying the exact same things that people I love were saying to me. So yes, probably a sign that this individual was not the most compatible with me.

You cannot ignore if a person treats you terribly. Similar to step two, you try to tune out all of their annoying, offensive comments in hopes that they will one day just magically understand that what they are saying is not acceptable, and should not be tolerated. If you have already spoken to this individual on multiple occasions that what they are saying/doing is not right and they still won’t listen…they probably won’t change.

Step Four — Are you…
Taking their lack of communication as a sign of affection.

This one is just fan-tastic. If someone is ignoring you via texting, stop texting them repeatedly. If they are ignoring you on other social media platforms as well (Facebook, Twitter, LinkedIN…etc), please stop trying to communicate with them. We live in an age where people are so accessible, yet we are do not know how to tell people that we are not interested in them any longer. If someone just stops talking to you all together that is 2013 speak for “I’m not into it anymore.” While I do not agree with this form of ceasing communication with another individual, it is a sign, so please take it. Do not think mass amounts of communication from your end will make this person like you more.

In Conclusion…
They’re not going to change. Liking someone a lot unfortunately does not make them obligated to like you back.

Just because you’re lonely does not mean you should settle for someone who you completely dislike/disagree with. This person will probably only make you feel more lonely, and you may feel even worse than you did before. This person is just not for you. There is no amount of alteration to this individual that you can do to make them into the person you want to date. Also, this person may be completely happy with who they are, and they do not want someone trying to tell them who they want to be.

Trying to change someone makes you uncomfortable, and then makes them uncomfortable. So lets all stop making people uncomfortable, and stop trying to change people because it’s convenient. Wait it out, because there is nothing that beats meeting the right person and actually being in love.

* Image taken from Tumblr 

Reasons To Not Be In A Relationship

I personally have not been in a relationship for quite some time now, and I have friends who are in loveless relationships, and friends who are in the best relationships of their lives. Whether you are single, looking, not looking, or in a relationship there are always reasons to not be in that relationship. I promise I’m not trying to be cynical, but hear me out.

Did You Just Get Out of a Relationship?
Whether this relationship was a few weeks, to months, or years, breaking up is never simple. It’s chaotic, and painful, and completely sucks. When you break up with someone (most of us I would argue) are not in our right state of mind. There is a craving for someone to fill the void that the other person left, and normally it’s with people we would never normally date. This rebound character tends to be bad-news bears who your friends never get along with. If all your friends dislike this person, then potentially they aren’t a keeper. It’s normal to want to jump back into another relationship because being single can be scary, trust me. What’s interesting is once you’re single for a bit, relationships are the things that become frightening. What I’m rambling on about is if I may, quote the TV show Suits, “You don’t make major life decisions when you’re reeling from a loss.” Preach.

Do You Feel Overwhelmed With Balancing Life/Work/A Social Life?
I hate when people say “I’m too busy” as if they are the only person who has things to do in the universe. But seriously, if you do feel overwhelmed with your life as it already is, adding another human to it may not be a great life decision. This isn’t just your average friend or acquaintance, you are expected to hang out with this person, hopefully a lot because you want to. This person (like you) needs affection and attention and by pretending they’re not your partner is typically not a way to win someone over. So, if you feel too busy for anything else in your life, maybe wait until the storm passes over.

Are You Just Not Feeling It?
I do this a lot. I flip flop between being totally pro-single and pro-relationship. This probably stems from the fact that I haven’t met anyone who I am captivated by recently, but this can also lead to some dangerous territory. Typically for those of us who “Are just not feeling a relationship right now” we tend to settle for people who we definitely should not be in a relationship with. This person can be phenomenal at the start, but after a week or so they just start getting weird. Either way too personal, or too distant, there is no healthy balance with this individual. If you are seriously not feeling a relationship, than be single. Don’t settle. You will regret this decision 100% immediately.

Are you Body-Shaming Yourself?
I 100% believe that every human is beautiful. All shapes, sizes, and colours are gorgeous and we should not hold ourselves to a media norm of what beauty is. With saying that though, I can also empathize with body shaming oneself because even I participate in it myself. It’s hard when you are constantly told how to look to not let it eventually start to bother you. If you are feeling low about yourself, chances are you may not feel better with someone else in your life. You will probably be angry with them, or believe that they don’t love your body even when they really do. It’s hard to love someone when you are struggling to love yourself.  ** Although I am an advocate for doing what’s in your heart, so if you want to date someone even if you are feeling low about yourself, get on it.

Do You Become The Person You’re Dating?
This is a person that completely drops everything they love for what their partner is interested in. While I agree that people can develop new interests in relationships, you shouldn’t transform into the twin of that person (writing that was Kreepy enough). You need a healthy balance of things you like and what the other person wants, becoming that person will not make them love you more.

Do You Just Want to Be Single?
Go get on with your bad-self then. Do ALL the single things. I don’t exactly know what these are, but they’re probably fun! Go to all the clubs, eat all the foods, go see all the movies, and watch that trashy show that partners typically hate (i.e.- Jersey Shore). Do what’s in your heart, and if it is telling you to be single you should follow it.

Singledom is scary, but it can also be wonderful. It’s a time where you (as cliché as it is) get to figure out who you are/stuff you genuinely like. But what do I know? I can’t even reach the top shelf without assistance.

(Image taken from Tumblr).